Can you believe how much younger and younger children are getting before they want to date? It’s not unusual to discover kids thirteen years old and younger going out with friends on group dates. Or wait until your second grader talks about how they are going steady with one of their classmates – even if they haven’t even talked to that person yet. Talk about an open relationship!
[I:http://simplynurserydecoration.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/DrNoelSwanson7.jpg]In all seriousness though, dating at an early age can put negative pressures on both the child and the parents; and even the community at large. This is because dating puts the child in the position of spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex. And that lack of control can cause tension, especially if the child is under peer pressure to perform along the lines of the group’s expectations.
So what can a parent do to assist their child to prepare for a dating relationship that remains positive?
Well to start, ensure that as your child is growing, that you have straightforward talks with them. Discuss sexuality. Talk about the couple you see hugging or kissing in public. You may or may not approve with these types of display in public, but you also can’t ignore them. Your children don’t. Talk with them about your ethics and morals so that they can see where your opinion comes from. However be sure that you are having a conversation and not just a lecture on what you think is right. Have an open discussion and you will find that your kids will confide in you.
Second, show the appropriate behavior yourself. Especially if you are a single parent. Show them that you practice what you preach on your dates. Children are much more observant than we may think, and they definitely learn from watching. So be sure to act the way you say you act. And regardless of whether you are single or married, maintain respect for one another and display the behavior that you expect from your children.
Then set parameters as to the guidelines about when, who and how you will allow your child to date. Don’t give them a silly ultimatum like ‘when you grow up!” They won’t understand this and just become rebellious. Instead, give them examples of maturity such as doing well in school; maintaining their chores; and acting responsibly.
With these parameters set, see how they live up to them. But be flexible. Talk with them and let them know that dating is a maturity priviledge and in order to partake, they must show maturity in other areas of their lives as well.
Stress to your teen that they must earn your trust. Trust isn’t given – it is earned. If you can’t trust them in the small stuff it will be much more difficult to trust them in the larger decisions in their life. For instance, if they lie about getting their homework done so they can go out with friends or how much ice cream they scooped out the day before how will you be able to trust that they will act responsibly on a date?
One other small item of note – when you do decide to let your child date, it would be a good idea to check with the local police to see if their is a child curfew in effect. Nothing would put a downer on a first date like being escorted home by the police.
When talking about your son or daughter dating include your own beliefs about dating, sexuality and how it all integrates into a relationship. Teens who have a consistent relationship with their own parents are more likely to understand their belief system and consider that in their own decisions. For instance, if the parent believes that sex should be something experienced after marriage and communicates that in a number of different ways as the child is growing and developing (including modeling that behavior if the parent is single) the child is more likely to exclude sex from their dating relationship.
By working with your child BEFORE they begin dating, you will find that the guidance you provide will have more worth to them and they are more likely to act responsibly and within your mandates.
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